Dear
_______________,
I
regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from
further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware,
the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of
well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make
the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come
available. So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following
reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
1.
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I
can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3.
___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left
MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little
tighter!
4.
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by
the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me
for something other than my personality.
5.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one
about myself.
6.
___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on
your hands!
7.
___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my
pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
8.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably
be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
9.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition
from trying to kiss you.
10.
___You have a hairy back.
11.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.
12.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an
inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too
often in conversation.
14.
___You still live with your parents.
15.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of
Star Trek uniforms a little concerning.
16.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to
suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am
seeking in a long term partner.
18.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you
should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical
inches, please resubmit your application.
19.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your
overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business
trip.
20.
___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
_________________________________
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