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Always
eat the dessert first. Never save any room for vegetables.
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Approach anything green with extreme caution,
except green ice cream, green jelly beans, green gum drops, etc.
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Scatter peas all over the plate, and crush them
with your fork. Spread them on the plate like butter. They will eventually dry
out; you can almost make them disappear, except for a green stain.
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If your hamburger or hotdog has ketchup, say
you wanted mustard. If it has mustard, say you wanted ketchup.
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Put a hole in your mashed potatoes
and fill it with gravy in the normal way. Then, widen the hole fill it with
more gravy. Keep widening it until you have a large pool of gravy held by a
thin wall of mashed potatoes. Keep going as far as possible until the wall breaks,
dramatically flooding the rest of your plate.
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Never accept more than your fair proportion
of vegetables. For example, you should never accept more beans than your older
brother. Count the beans, and if you have one more than he does, insist that
you are being treated unfairly. Of course, always demand that you get at least
the same amount of dessert that he does, if not more.
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Never eat
broccoli. Always put it off as long
as possible. Eventually your parents will get tired of waiting and go away,
and you can hide it.
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In restaurants, never miss the opportunity to
blow the paper wrapper off a straw. Save the wrapper and do it again. For an
even better result, smash the wrapper, insert it into the straw, and blow it
out like a dart. Try to hit kids at other tables. You can always make more darts
out of paper napkins.
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And, above all, be sure to make a mess.
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