Rules for Buying Gifts for Men
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car.
A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something
to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their
cars. No one knows why.
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with
the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two
words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?"
"OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket
yet?" No one knows why.
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter
if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has
yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many
cordless drills. Again, no one knows why.
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear
bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they
have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a
big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him
go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it
will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave
or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely
everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock.
Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he
will always have parts left over.
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr
Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les
Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are
also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't
know what it is. "From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I
need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane
tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The
challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will
not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th
Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a
chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and
what happens when he gets a label maker.
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must
be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins,
or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred
feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.