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Position: Mom
 JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work
in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be
willing to work various hours, which will include evenings and
weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight
travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for
the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be
willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the
physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to
60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams
from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be
willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as
small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have
ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of
all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, and embarrassed the next. Must
handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume
final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY
FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to
remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those
in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS
EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND
COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of
the assumption that college will help them become financially
independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The
oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you
actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no
pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no
stock options are offered, job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if
you play your cards right.
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