MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Put a crayon in a pocket before you wash the clothes. Stick some chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe and walk all over the carpet.

TOY TEST

Obtain a 55 gallon box of building blocks. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen barefoot. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. Also, spread some larger toys around the yard, making sure to leave at least one riding toy directly behind the car.

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Finally, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years, and always look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. 

AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Get a dime and stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies and mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the outside of the car. There, perfect.

LEARNING TEST

Think of an animal that starts with the letter "N". Find a word that rhymes with "Purple." Locate an object that was made in Austria. Buy a protractor and a pack of 3"x5" index cards. Find out about and do all these things the morning they are due at school.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months, then remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet  on the counter and ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNEMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child or two. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.