I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"